by Peg Matteson, Maverick Arizona Historian
A good friend of mine sent me a very interesting and humorous article about a few places you might consider going to when you leave our mountains and your second homes seeking a nice comfortable place for the winter months. So, I thought I would pass on these descriptive definitions for you to perhaps consider for your winter homes. (Come on, you know I’m kidding you, anyway, enjoy the humor!)
Probably your first choice is California because it is close by and (1) If you make more than $250,000 you still can’t afford to buy a house, (2) The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway, (3) You know how to cook and eat an artichoke, (4) You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party, (5) When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is, (6) The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.
How about if you’re going to Minnesota? This is (1) where you only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, Tabasco, (2) You have more than one recipe for casseroles, (3) Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons, (4) The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
Now you have lots of choices if you’re going to the Deep South where (1) You can rent a movie and buy bait at the same store, (2) “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural, (3) “He needed killin’” is a valid defense, (4) Everyone has 2 first names: Bill Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, etc, (5) Everything is either in yonder, over yonder, or out yonder (and it is important to know the difference, too.)
But Colorado is closer by and this is where (1) You carry your $3,000 mountain bike on atop your $500 car, (2) A pass does not involve football or dating, (3) The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.
Now we still have the whole midwest to consider where (1) You have never met any celebrities but the mayor knows your name, (2) Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor, (3) You have had to switch from heat to A/C on the same day, (4) You end sentences with the preposition: “Where’s my coat at?” and (5) When asked how your trip was to an exotic place, you say, “It was different!”
And finally, there is Florida where (1) You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon, (2) All purchases include a coupon of some kind—even houses and cars, (3) Road construction never ends anywhere in the state, (4) Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist, and (5) Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
Now, those are some of the things you can look forward to as you travel through or stay in other states so why don’t you just stay here in Arizona’s Phoenix or Tucson areas where (1) You are willing to park three blocks away because you found some shade, (2) You’ve experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl, (3) You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town, (4) You have more than 100 recipes for Mexican food, (5) You know dry heat is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door, (6) The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!
And so, dear readers, once again our great state of Arizona wins not only because it is a state with a heart, but also because it has everything to offer us whether we live here in the mountains all year or bid the mountains goodbye for the winter. If you’re heading out, we bid you a fond farewell and look forward to your return!